I’d like to teach you a little bit about colours. I’m not a teacher, but I did play one in a short lived RTE webseries, so I’m pretty sure I know how to do it.

Colour is a property of light that we humans like the most. It’s the one that makes the setting sun so beautiful, the one that prevents RGB computer screens from being an bizarre inexplicable over-complication, and it’s the one that told our ancestors which fruits were ready to pick, and which ones weren’t ripe yet. Even today, it still tells people which fruits are ready to pick, and which ones aren’t ripe too, but I’m not related to any of them, so it barely seems worth mentioning.

Allegedly, rainbows are formed when light goes through some water droplets. I find this hard to believe, as I know some water droplets personally, and they rarely stay in the same place for more than a couple of seconds, before being yanked around by gravity or wind or a dog. Why don’t rainbows shake all over the place if the water droplets thing is true? Eh, Newton? Explain that, you dead jerk.

Another issue I have with rainbows is that no one seems willing to address the fact that INDIGO AND VIOLET ARE THE SAME COLOUR! They’re both purple! This seven colour idea is a load of horse apples, propagated no doubt by crayon manufacturers, and fans of 1987 fantasy film The Princess Bride. Only LGBT people are progressive enough to address this fallacy. They removed indigo from their flag in 1979. Whether this had anything to do with the comments indigo had made in the press about the gay community that year cannot be substantiated, and is likely just coincidence.

Obviously, there are an almost infinite number of colours in any rainbow, all the hues, covering the entire visible spectrum. The intricacies of colour-o-metry facinate me. So you can imagine my disappointment when I read the book 50 Shades of Grey. If I had written that book there would’ve been less sex, and more shades of grey. She didn’t mention charcoal, or very light black, or ANY of my favourites.

I recently saw a trailer for the film adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey, and boy, was I disappointed. I hate when movies are unfaithful to the book they’re based on, and get this; the whole thing was in colour! The book was printed in monochrome, presumably because it was cheaper, but perhaps it was because Wind and the Willows style illustrations would have been unsightly.

Colours are interesting, QED.